Worth A Thousand Words…

I came across this picture today and it stopped me in my tracks. Have you ever had that? Where you come across a picture and the feelings you were feeling in that moment come flooding back to you and it puts you right there again? That was today.

The picture itself was when we were at Vinny's soccer game a year ago. It's Alan and I, as it usually is at the sporting events becasue his Dad is coaching a lot. But in the picture Alan is facing in the complete opposite direction of the actual game, looking off into the distance. And there I am, literally on my knees, not taking my eyes off my boy trying to figure out what he wanted and needed in that moment. And that's how it always goes with us. I'm always just trying to find ways for him to let me into his secret world of Autism. I would imagine if he were verbal, I would have a better idea or understanding what he needs in these moments but again just not in the cards for us right now. But if a picture could talk and expose the feelings that I had in my heart and stomach at that moment, man it would paint every emotion in the book. Happy, sad, scared, nervous, uneasy, trying to think ahead of his next step, the list goes on and on.

In seeing this picture today, it made me realize that we don't need words. Him and I, we truly don't need them. We can exsist in a verbal world without saying a word. I can read him by his facial expressions down to his eyes. I can look into that boys eyes and feel what he is feeling. It's such a deeper bond than I could ever put into words. But we made it this way, him and I both have worked and worked at it. I know for him, it has been frustrating at many times when I'm not picking up what he is putting down. And I could totally understand his frustrations because I feel them too. But through all the frustrations and doubts and tears, we have formed this nonverbal bond that could never be broken. When I take a step back and look at our relationship over the years and much we have both evolved, it is truly amazing.

I know I say I cannot wait for him to find his voice, we all can't. To make his life easier in any way possible, of course I want that for him. But what we have built together is also remarkable to be a part of and understand it completely. Today I was able to be his Mystery Reader at school. He didn't know I was coming, and was so surprised when he saw me. I get nervous doing these things becasue I never know how he is going to react. Does he want me there? Am I interrupting the flow of his day? Will he be happy to see me? Well today, let me tell you, that boys face lit up the whole room when he realized I was there. It was the most incredible feeling I have ever had. He wanted me there and he was so happy to see me. Seeing the picture this morning before I went to his school brought me a lot of uncertainty. But as soon as I walked up to his desk and out my face in front of his, it all vanished.

With Grace-

This Autism Mama

(Picture from a year ago, then the last two are from todays Mystery Reader)