Heartbroken but Excited

Halloween is right around the corner and I have always wondered how Alan felt about this holiday. I know for some they can really enjoy the dressing up, the candy, trick or treating to other peoples' houses which is great. Alley has always seemed to have a tougher time with this one.

In school he usually does pretty well. I know for some activities leading up to the holiday (like pumpkin carving) he would rather not be a part of. But again, it varies year to year as to what is going to be of his liking and what is not. Costumes have always been hit or miss. He never picks it out for himself, I just guess. This year I will not lie, it is a week before Halloween and I have nothing for him. Part of me felt bad up until recently and right now I am not sure he is dressing up. I was planing on getting him a cosutme or maybe letting him be a King again because not only is that easy for him, but it is comfortable as well. If you live this life on this journey you know we are all about the comfort over here.

So, every year we dress him up and encourage him to participate at school and then when he gets home, we go trick or treating with his cousins and grandparents. In years past, he has always had an issue. Whether it being the weather being absolutely unbearable, houses with actually scary decorations or not being able to go into random peoples' homes while we are out trick or treating, it has always been something. It has always been a holiday where I usually bring him back after a couple houses and we sit in the house together. It is a holiday where I enojy letting my husband have it with the other kids and I go back. I don't mind going back with Alan because about ninety percent of the time at outings, my husband is the parent that usually has to leave with him if things go wrong.

All this to say every year I am still hopeful that this is going to be the year things turn around for him and us with Halloween. That we actually get to hang out as a WHOLE family and not seperate. That my husband and I can enjoy all of our kids trick or treating together because let's be honest, Alan's siblings are getting older and I don't know how many more years we have left of doing this as a family. But it's also sad because I feel like we have never even gotten to experience it as a family at the same time. Anyway up until yesterday, I had the mindset that this was going to be that year. We were going to be able to trick or treat together for a good amount of time. However, I think my perspective and mindset have changed, and it just took Alan telling me one sentence.

Yesterday was a normal day for him. He came home from school, got his drink, went and sat on the couch and started decompressing from the day and week. Fridays are always a bit more emotional because of the long and busy week, but he seemed very balanced yesterday. He was home for about an hour at this point when he started to get sad. Out of nowhere, sad. This is always alarming because I never know why and he has never been able to inititate the communication skills to tell me what is making him sad. I heard him starting to cry and I went to sit with him and hug him when he kind of pushed my arms away, which is surprising to me. When he is sad, he loves being hugged and kissed on. But this was more then needing some extra love. This was him telling me, something was wrong and he needed to tell me. This was HUGE for him. When I sat back after he pusehd my arms away, he gave me his talker with a full sentence typed. I looked down at the talker and saw my son very appropriately communiating an accurate emotion that he was feeling at that time. I was stunned. The talker read "Halloween is so scary." I am welling up with tears as I write this because for ten years we have made him particiapte in Halloween activities. For ten years we have encouraged him to do the things his brothers and cousins are doing. For ten years he has fought these feelings of acutally being scared to appease us, to try and do what he is told, and for what? For us to try and have him be with the family? Or for him to particiapte in a "normal" kid acitivity? My heart shattered into a million pieces and I can still feel the weight of that interaction as I am writing. It hurt, I felt sunken and sick. How could I have not put these pieces together? What kind of Mom am I?

After I read that sentece, I turned and looked at my boy. Both of us with tears in our eyes. I looked right at him and said "Alan, I am so so sorry, I never knew you felt this way. You're right Halloween is a scary holiday." And with that I hugged him so tight and we both cried. His was much less than mine because my was a cry that turned into a sob. I got up after he took a couple deep breaths, like he told me what he needed to and he felt better. I however did not feel better. I have been beating myself up about it but at the same time I am so incredibly proud of him and the way he communicated directly to me. Alan has never been able to do that independantly. That's why I am super heartbroken about Halloween for him the last ten years but also very excited to see him starting to functionally communicate. The way he did it was perfect and I hope and pray that it continues.

As for Halloween this year, I am not making him do anything. If he does not even want to leave the house, we will not. If he ventures out we will go as much or as little as he wants to. It doesn't matter to me this year and I don't think it does to him. He doesn't even eat candy (if you could believe that). But even though this interaction was heartbreaking and eye opening for me, it was very encouraging as well. That we are on the right path and things are happening little by little on his time, as usual, but they ARE happening. I hope everyone has a successful and safe Halloween this year!

With grace,

This Autism Mama