Just Go...

Life has gotten overwhlemingly busy over the last year. With four kids, one being a toddler and the other two in a million sports, including travel sports it leaves not a lot of alone time with Alan. It sounds awful, I know, and I beat myself up about it. But I also have to remember the other three kids didn't ask for this life on the Autism journey and they are deserving of every opportunity that we can physically give them as well.

I mean the last "date night" I think Al and I have had, heck not even a date, just a meal just the two of us? Has to be well over a year ago. Honestly, and that is a sad reality of our life with Autism. We don't get to celebrate birthdays with each other, or anniversaries, or anything really these days. It gets to me, I'm not going to lie, it does. The envious feelings I get when I see other married couples just getting out for an hour, to breathe, to talk, to not be needed, that is amazing and they are very very lucky. It's just not in the cards for us and I've come to terms with it. Not only is it a time thing but it is a babysitting thing. We do not have the luxury of having a neighbor kid watch our kids for us, or calling a random babysitter to come stay for hours and hang with them, because well, Autism. But as I was thinking about my marriage the other day and how we both need just some time together (we haven't taken a vacation together just us since our honeymoon) it got me thinking about Alan, and how we don't spend enough one on one time with him as well. Like I said, sports, kids' lives, husband working, I'm working part time during basketball season, just life things, there is no time. I know I'm not the only one or only family that feels this way so I'm preaching to the choir here, but I need to do a better job of one on one time with Alan.

The other day his cousins came over to hang with Vinny and Joey. They were rambunctious together as they always are because, well they are young boys. We wouldn't have it any other way if I'm being honest but that leaves Alan. I had like an hour before I had to go to basketball so I said you know what, we are going out, you and I. I told him to get his coat and shoes on and we were going to head to McDonalds for a little lunch date. We got to the restauraunt and it was almost empty, which was great for us. Alan took a spot in a booth with his AAC device, one straw, one wiki stick and one drumstick that he doesn't leave the house without these days. As we sat there it hit me that we do not do this enough. We sat in silence. We scripted on his device. We made a lot of stimming happy sounds and it was perfect. I always say he speaks with his eyes, and I can tell immdeiatly what he is thinking just by looking at those beautiful ocean grayish blueish eyes. He was happy, he was content and he felt loved. At one point he took his head and just laid it on my shoulder, then pressed his forehead against my cheek telling me how much he loved me. And I would be lying if I said I couldn't actually feel the love coming through his body to mine.

There might have been the most minimal amount of words spoken on this lunch date, but we both needed it. We both needed to just sit, and be, and breathe and be with together. I know life gets busy and it is only going to get busier as his siblings get older and are involved in even more then we are now. But I know now that we (Al & I) need to make this a priority for Alan, for us. We need to do things with him just one of us and him, he deserves it. We need to just go, when we have the time, we have to drop everything and go. It is easy to overlook things with him because we assume he doesn't want to do them, but in all reality he does, we just have to give him those chances to show us.

With Grace,

This Autism Mama