Where To Begin...

Well it has been a minute or two since I have blogged and that is for no reason in particular other then I have been extremely overwhlemd. When I don't blog and get my feelings out, thats when I bubble ove with tears coming out of my ears at my 6:15am workouts. And at this point I am not even sure where to begin with everything that has transpired.

For starters, we moved a couple weeks ago. We moved from bascially the only house that Alan knows and built our dream home. We also decided that it would be a great idea for my husband to be the manager of one of my others son's travel baseball team this year. All of this has effected Alan drastically and it has been beyond rough, at home for the most part. It has been draining, it has been emotionally exhausting and it has been physically exhausting. I never get headaches, and I feel like I have had a headache every other day due to stress. I have been trying to manage it but I feel like I'm just a ball of ridiculous amounts of stress.

So starting with the move, I thought we were prepared. I thought he would handle it decently. We made a social story, his teachers at school talked to him about it, I thought we would be okay. Man was I wrong. The first couple days and nights were brutal. He loved the house but wanted to love it from afar. He would be excited and happy one minute and then crying uncontrollably the next. He would put his shoes on, grab his decvice and wait by the garage door trying to leave. When I tell you my heart was shattering daily, I am not exaggerating. It physically was painful feelings that I would have in my heart. As the days have gone on, the crying has stopped. I think he has gotten used to it for the most part but he still seems very angry to me at times.

On top of the move and the changes, my husband has been gone for all of May and June with Vinnys travel baseball team along with working full time an hour away. He would be gone at least 2-3 nights a week with practices, hitting at the cages things like that as well as tournaments on weekends, Alan was suffering not having him around. My husband and Alan have this bond but he is also the disciplinarian of the two of us. If he raises his voice, Alan snaps out of whatever he is doing. I do not have that same effect on him. Not only has Al not been around, but I have carted Alley to most of the games that we could get to. I have always said I would never let Autism stop me from being a Mom to my other kids and that meant showing up for Vinny at his games. We did run into a bit of an issue at one of his 8:00am games. Alan did not want to be there and he had a full blown meltdown in the middle of the complex. I was so upset about it, I even took to TikTok to let my feelings out. Even though we had that one bad morning, for the most part Alan handled all of the baseball games very well. So throughout this month we that we have been in the new house and travel baseball life, we have had more downs then ups. It has been very challenging for us and I am not ashamed to admit that in the least bit. I am really hoping that we have a better July here.

We did go all in and get an pool for the kids. The heater was installed today and the kids have been swimming in it the past couple days. I do think that has been great for Alley and I can really see it helping him regualte here.

I don't know where I was going with this other then an update about life and how it's not what I pictured for us right now, but it is our reality. He has more bruises on himself right now then I'd like to admit. It makes me sick looking at them knowning he did that to himself out of frustration that I or our family has caused. But in the long run I know the bruises are temporary, just like the phase we are in right now. I know all I can do is keep supporting and pivoting for him like we have his whole life. And just keep going.

With Grace,

This Autism Mama