Ugh… Halloween

Halloween has always always been a tough time for Alley. I'm sure it's diffficult for a lot of children when they are young to wrap their head around the spookiness of the holiday. But in the end it is supposed to be fun for the kids, and this year it was anything but fun for us.

The day actually started off on such a high for me as his Mom. It was one of the first times since he started in the school system I was not nervous to go to his classroom for his Halloween party. Every previous party I would be happy to go and see him but I always had that pit in my stomach walking in. Never knowing what state of Alan I was walking in to. I distinctly remember at his party two years ago he was so angry I was at school. He was physically walking me to the door trying to make me leave. It was heartbreaking but I guess it was hard for him to understand why his Mom was at school when I'm not usually there. I get it. Needless to say that pit has always been there when it's time for class parties. This year though, I was excited to go. I wanted to see him and in his classroom and that pit was there maybe a tiny tiny bit but not as massive as it usually is. His class party went SO well. He was extremely happy to see me in the hallway when his class parade passed by. So much so that he ditched the parade and only want to be by me. We celebrated with his classmates making a Halloween trail mix together, listened to some songs and had quality time with his teachers, paraprofessionals and therapists. All in all it was the best party he has had, and man was I walking on out on a high. I was extremely proud of him and anyone who knows me could see it on my face, beaming.

Going into the evening I think I was still riding that high from school. I was even more excited to take him trick or treating. My sister and I alternate every year where the kids go for trick or treating together. This year was my sisters turn, plus the fact I had try outs for my high school basketball team I coach, so I had to leave for a couple hours. We got to my sisters and Alley was really excited to be there. He was happy to be at his Aunties house where he loves all of their toys and he finds comfort in their basement where they have an oversized brown chair he loves. But man did things turn quickly, and this is where Autism bites me every damn time. When I'm not ready or even thinking about what could go wrong, it always does. We wanted to get the kids trick or treating early because like I said, I had to leave. We gathered the cousins, took some pictures and headed out the door. Immidiately I see his breathing change, starting to be very heavy and panicky. He did not want to leave my sisters house. He wanted to stay and play and we realized that within the first house.

We tried to push through, putting his headphones on and showing him his trick or treat button that had his brothers voice when he would push it. None of it worked. We got him up to the first house and they didn't answer the door, ensue meltdown. We continued to push through and try to get him to the second house, and man did he scream. Blood curdling screams. The type that the whole neighborhood stops and stares. You feel about 40 eyes glaring at you from all angles. The only people not starring is your family because they love you and know you're struggling. Quick decision was to bring him back to my sisters because was beside himself. Finally getting him back to house with myself and my Dad, his Papa, he calmed himself. We worked through it and got him to a point where my Dad said to head back out so I didn't miss Vinny and Joey trick or treating. Alley was good, he was in a familiar comforting place with his favorite person on the planet, his Papa. So we did just that, I went back out and met up with the rest of the family. That night was also awful, he had such a hard time decompressing from the whole weekend and holiday he cried falling to asleep. Then continued to wake up at 3:00am for the day. Just a chaotic mess all around.

Now so many things I think about in hindsight. I could have alleviated most of this chaos (in my head) by making him a social story. Preparing him for the sequence of events, getting to his Aunts house then leaving right away for trick or treating where there will be a lot of people, in crazy costumes and scary decorations. I put a lot of the blame on me, that's the mothers guilt I guess. But in all reality I could have prepared him the best I could and if he still wasn't feeling it, he wasn't feeling it. As simple as that. In my heart I want him to experience Halloween like typical children do, but in experiences like this I need to remind myself, he is not your typical child and I can't expect him to enjoy something he doesn't want to. So here we are two days later and it's still eating at me that I could have made that situation better but I hung my hat on how well he was doing that day at school that I thought verbal preparation would be enough and it was not.

This ever changing journey gets ya when you're guard is down, every single time. So now that massive pit is back and will be there for a while.

With grace-

This Autism Mama