The Sting is Always There...

We had a huge bio-medical doctor appointment on Monday. My husband and I have been waiting months for this appointment. We have done our homework listening to this doctor speak on podcast after podcast. Learning all about his wisdom working with children who are like Alan. Children who have nonverbal Autism. Every time I listen to him, I am captivated by his knowledge, I am reinvigorated with his enthusiasm and I am excited for the potential that Alley could find his voice. To say that I was beyond ecstatic for this virtual doctor appointment was an understatement.

We have been through so many virtual doctor appointments at this point, we have it down to a science. My husband and I assumed our regular positions at our kitchen table with my phone propped up by a glass jar candle. We positioned our bodies so we would both be able to be seen in the screen, which is always awkward because its basically half of each of our faces. Al was ready with his phone to research aspects of the appointment that were being discussed in case we had any questions pop up, we could ask them right then. I was ready with my old fashioned pen and paper pad, in hopes to be a sponge of information. To write down anything and everything that came out of the doctor's mouth. We were ready for this. We needed this to hear something to hang on to.

The appointment went well overall. There are a lot of moving pieces to Alley's brain chemistry and to get to the bottom of it all, we will have to move forward with lab work, some bodily fluid analysis's coming up here in the next couple weeks. Once we gather all of that information, basically getting down to the nitty gritty of our son on the inside, we can move forward with supplementing and adjusting areas that he is lacking in, which we are still very excited about. There was a point in the appointment that stung, stung deep. It never really gets easier when it comes to this part. My mouth got dry and my heart was in my stomach when I heard these words, "so tell my about your pregnancy, were you sick? Did anything go wrong? What happened during it?". And there it is...... the guilt... the sting...the pain... the weight of it all. I know the doctor has to ask these types of questions to get a full thorough picture of our son, and I am totally fine with answering it, especially when it means potentially helping my child thrive. BUT, it hurts the same every single time. I thought maybe after being asked the same questions for basically the last seven years, I would build up some callous to it. That it wouldn't affect me as much as it still does. I thought I was stronger at this point to handle that type of question, to know that it is NOT my fault, to not feel that guilt that I DID THIS to him. I grew him, he was in me, it is my fault. But sure enough, I am not. It killed me on the inside and two days later, I am still replaying those specific parts of the conversation in my head.

What I am learning through this journey is the sting will always be there, for me. I don't think it is something that will ever go away. I believe I am getting better at masking it, using a poker face, getting through those appointments and then moving on. But the sting stays, it lingers, and it hurts like hell. Once I figure out how to navigate that guilt, the heaviness, the sting better, I will shout it from the rooftops. But until then I will put on that poker face and block that sting from the world around me and deal with it on my own. The sting will always be there, it is part of our journey with Autism.

With Grace-

This Autism Mama