The Silent Struggle

The Silent Struggle

There is always always always a silent struggle for us, that nobody ever really talks about. It has taken me some time to process my feelings from that day, and they hit me this morning so I wanted to share.

A couple weeks ago, I attended a bridal shower for a friend. It was my first time being out, alone at an event since having my daughter and I was so excited to go and just relax, turn it off and enjoy it. The day was perfect. The weather for May was absolutely beautiful and so was the shower. I walked in and found my name. As I looked over the seating chart, I did not recognize any names I was sitting with. I thought it would be cool to meet new people and I was looking forward to it. There is always that awkward introduction to people you don’t know while they have built in relationships with everybody at the table, except you. As they were sitting there talking amongst each other I couldn’t help but over hear some of the conversations that were being had. These women clearly knew each other for years and were recapping some of their newest life developments. This is where the silence struggle comes in, they don’t know my story, they don’t know my son’s story, and they never will because I chose not to share it. That’s on me. It’s not that I am embarrassed by any means, it just didn’t come up. Nobody really asked or cared about me because they didn’t know me, which I was fine with “turning it off” for a couple hours.

I also say they never will know our situation because one mom in particular was expressing her worries about her child or maybe a nephew, I’m not sure honestly, developmentally. All the other moms at the table knew who she was talking about, just not me. I just sat and sort of listened, took in everything she was saying not knowing where the conversation was going and the toll it would take on my heart. At one point someone brought up if the child was speaking and in my relaxed daze of being childless I only tuned in to bits and pieces. She went on to say that this particular child is verbalizing more and “she is SO grateful because they were tossing around the idea of Autism and ADHD (this is where my ears perked up, obviously) and she’s just beyond grateful that it’s NOT Autism OR ADHD.” My heart sank, my state went blank and it hurt. It hurt bad. You’re thankful that your child is NOT like mine? I love my son, beyond anyone could ever imagine. How could someone be thankful for not having an Alan?! Gutted, absolutely gutted. At this point I had nothing to say to these people, not that I had contributed a lot to conversation before this topic, but I just felt the old me almost moving away from this table mentally, physically still present. It was like a vacuum of my voice came and I felt the air of my lungs being sucked into the back of my throat, I was speechless, humiliated, hurt and dumbfounded.

I let the conversation continue without saying a word but to be honest I have no idea what was said after that. It’s like I was in another universe not giving one damn what they had to say next. I think it was almost a defense mechanism. Internally my brain shut off, to protect my heart from the negativity that came after that comment. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know these women, the comments after that could have been positive, but my heart and brain did not stick around long enough to listen. It’s like my brain heard Autism in a negative context and it decided to shut my body down for a couple minutes, which I’m thankful it did.

The shower carried on, I went through the motions with it, eating, smiling, interacting with a select few people. It was nice, beautiful even. After presents were all opened I snuck out. I just wanted to go get my newborn from my parents house, sit with my thoughts and be around people who know and love us for who we are, Autism included. I haven’t had an encounter like this in about 6 years, and I almost forgot how much damage they truly do to your heart. There is  part of me that was very angry at the ignorance of these people. That they didn’t read my mind or know that my son not only has Autism but is nonverbal as well.

But there is a bigger part of me that is angry at myself. That I didn’t speak up when I had the opportunity. There was a chance for me to glorify Autism and all that it entails, but I didn’t. I just sat there and couldn’t speak, I shut down and checked out. I sat there silently struggling and until this post, three weeks later, I didn’t even talk about it with anyone. Looking back, my emotions were everywhere, being 3 weeks postpartum. I know that if I would have tried to say anything it would have been tear filled and I’m not sure those tears would have stopped at any point. Probably would have turned into the hyperventilating sobbing type of cry.

This journey is all about growth, for Alan AND me. I know that I didn’t handle that situation the way I would have liked to, but again giving myself grace, I know it is probably best that it happened the way it did. Sometimes we have to silently struggle by choice or not by choice but that’s all part of this journey. It’s not the first silent struggle for me and I’m sure it won’t be my last, that’s the sucky part. I’ll get it right next time.

With Grace-

This Autism Mama