The Mom Guilt...

There are days where that feeling of "Mom guilt" are just overwhelming. That pit in your stomach you get after the fact of an event or situation happening. It takes over your whole body and you drown in it, or at least I do. This morning was one of the days where it has consumed me and I cannot shake it.

Over the weekend we were very busy, not in a good way. Vinny had a football game which was normal for us but we were dealing with some sort of sickness for him as well. Not a contagious one, a stomach one that is currently still unresolved. However that took over our whole weekend. Watching his every move, making sure he was drinking fluids and eating what he could hold down, you know how it goes. The weekends are usually a time that Alley gets a lot of attention from my husband and I because he, in general, just requires our attention all day and night. But we just couldn't physically or mentally give him that normal attention this weekend. It wasn't possible and we didn't even think about how it would affect him until this morning when he was getting ready for school. Yes, he did still get to go on his bike rides with his Dad and we talked about his stories that he wanted to talk about (the obsession of castles, knights and emperors is real) but I know it was not enough or what he is usually used to. He was a champ, looking back on the past couple days, he knew something was going on. Our kids with Autism are SO hyper sensitive. Most people think because Alley can't speak that he doesn't understand what is going on in the world around him. Those people could not be more wrong. I mean dead wrong. This boy understands everything whether we know it or not, he does. He is a sponge.

With my husband and I being so stressed this weekend, Alley definitely felt it. He knew what was going on, and for the life of me I cannot understand how I didn't think of what he was feeling throughout it. And here it is, the big time mom guilt. This morning during the hustle and bustle of a Tuesday, his Dad getting ready for work, helping me with getting Alley ready for school, something priceless happened without speaking. I knew the exact meaning in that second. It hit me like a ton of fricken bricks. I was preparing his lunch and snack for school, while his Dad was administering his vitamins. I had walked out into the garage (which connects to our kitchen) to grab a juice box for Alley's lunch. I thought I had closed the door to the kitchen behind me, but again with Vinny's sickness going on my mind is only on him right now, and apparently I left the door cracked open. Alley must have seen me run out there to grab it because when I was coming back to the door, there he was just standing in the doorway. Now usually when he does that, he will breeze right past me because wants to go ride his bike or open our van and sit in the back seat signaling he wants to go somewhere. But not today. Today he stood there looking right at me practically nose to nose. He extended his arms up to me and threw them around my neck. We embraced in the most beautiful, appropriate, calming hug I have ever experienced with him. It was like he knew I needed it and I knew in that moment that he missed me this weekend, even though we were together. That he needed more than I gave him and I failed him, but he was forgiving me. This big seven year old just standing in the doorway hugging me like I had just gotten back from a vacation or something. I was so enthralled in this hug I felt like he was holding me up today and it made me just feel an extreme sense of mom guilt.

It has taken over my mind all day wondering what he was thinking and how he felt this weekend and this morning. Was he scared, was he sad, was he unsure of what was going on? It is really something special when moments like that happen without direction and totally independent. I know that when he gets home from school today, I am not leaving his side. He will be getting all the bear hugs and love from me that he needs. I will listen to him type his same story over and over until he is sick of hearing my voice reading it. Our kids are hyper sensitive not only to situations that happen to themselves but to the whole world around them. I will fix this mom guilt feeling today and move on, but just know that it is not necessarily a negative feeling, it is a feeling of wanting to do better. Wanting to be better for the kids that need us to be better. I mean that is why we are here right? I know that is why I am. We got this mamas.

With grace,

This Autism Mama