School Gives Us More...

I have been wanting to write something about school for the longest time and how special it is for Alley. However, I was not sure how to convey it appropriately. We are fortunate, we live in a district that has one of the best schools to fit all of his needs there is. I know for some parents that is not that case, and it breaks my heart for everyone involved. But I can only talk about our experience and what it has brought to our family.

I remember dropping him off when he was three at his first day of Early Childhood Education. It was gut wrenching. Any child's first day of school ever is SO hard for parents. Will they be okay? Are they sad? Did they eat? Are they scared? All of these thoughts are so normal to have in that situation. When your child cannot speak, it takes those fears and thoughts to a whole different level of worry. After we dropped him off, we went home. Al went to work, and I stayed basically in the same spot the whole day crying my eyes out with the biggest pit in my stomach. How did I just leave my son who cannot talk with a bunch of strangers? Am I a horrible mom? What did I just do? What is he thinking? That's the kicker with Alley is we never know EXACTLY what he is thinking. Luckily I have seven years of teaching in the Special Education field under my belt so I have a pretty good understanding of how it all works, which gave me some peace of mind back then. There are many parents who do not have a background in Special Education and I know I am lucky to know that side of this journey as well. I guess you can say my college education has paid off in more ways than one? School is something I have never dreaded for Alley, even though he is nonverbal. Of course I am terrified that his needs are not being met, or he won't be able to advocate in an appropriate manner for himself like I can do for him, and I still feel all of those things daily even though he is already in second grade.

Even through all the years of worry that I have felt when it comes to school, there always seems to be the most beautiful moments that come along with the worry. It's not always rainbows and sunshine when it comes to school. I know he has some rougher days then other and I also know that he will have fabulous days as well. We just have to embrace the hard and celebrate the good. I think my favorite part of school is seeing what he does in his day. Whether he comes home with art projects, academic work or even pictures from his teacher, it makes me feel a sense of accomplishment for him. Even if I don't tell him all the time, I am so damn proud of him for going to school everyday. Interacting with people who might not understand what need he is trying to get met (no fault of their own). I am so proud he is brave enough to leave his safe haven of our house without me or my husband and venture into this verbal scary world by himself. He has more courage then I can ever have.

That is where school give us more. They give us so many tangible and intangible things. Along with all of the academic and therapeutic work he does while he is there, he gains experiences that he wouldn't have at home or anywhere else. He interacts with verbal people who are learning about Alley as he learns about them. He is building relationships with peers and other students in their own unique way. Yesterday, he brought home his "All About Alan" book that he made at school. Here I am going through this book, beaming because I am so proud to see that he came up with the correct answers. Answers I would have picked for him if I was doing this project. One thing struck me though, hard and fast to my core. It hurt so badly. There was a box for his favorite color. At the age of seven, I have never known Alley's favorite color. So many negative thoughts come along with seeing this. What else do I not know about my son? Probably a million things, but at least I know his favorite color is yellow and thank you school for giving me that.

With grace-

This Autism Mama