Over Christmas Already…

Just call me Scrooge because that's how I feel.. over it. There's just so many moving parts to all of Christmas and Christmas break while being on this Autism journey. It's draining, daunting and mentally exhausting trying to balance it all.

I'm really struggling this year more than years past. It's always such a balancing act making sure that we don't rock the boat too much with the different events, family parties, sporting events, changed up schedules and just so much stuff in and out of the house. It's overstimulating and a lot for any person to acclimate to let alone, Alley. I feel like all of this is sucking the joy out of the holidays for me, and I'm not sure why or how to stop it. The anxiety and the worry of how "things will go" is eating at me as we get closer and closer.

There's another aspect of the holidays that hurts me, and writing it out sounds so trivial. Actually having to put it in words makes me nauseous. It's so hard when it comes to gift giving for Alley. I always feel like I have a million gifts for my other two boys. They're so easy to shop for and obviously can tell me anything they want. But with Alan it's way more tricky then that and it breaks my heart. We try and find different things that he's interested in, or that might spark something inside him to become attached to it, but it's beyond difficult. We always get him the usual sensory gifts, castles, playdough things like that and I know I shouldn't be focusing on presents as much as I am. But it's a staple for any childhood to wake up and see all the gifts under the tree and feel that rush of amazement. He doesn't feel that. We practically have to beg him to come open gifts with us, and when he does he opens about 1 or 2 of them and then scurries off and wants no part of the rest of it. I don't know why it's bothering me so much this year, maybe it's because he's getting older and part of me feels like he's missing out on this part of childhood, the magic of Christmas, like he's been robbed of it. And with every Christmas that passes that's one more he didn't experience it like a "typical or verbal child" would.

Deep down I know he loves his life. He shows us all the time and I know I'm just beating myself over this for no reason. But I am ready for the holidays to be over and that makes me feel guilty that I do feel this way not only for Alley but for Vinny and Joey as well. It's just all so hard to navigate and understand where these feelings of mine are coming from.

So for now, we are going to get through this next week, and all it entails. The good the bad and the ugly, we will embrace it all and focus on what we can control.

With Grace-

This Autsim Mama