Near But Far, Still

I heard this phrase used recently and it stung. It was used in a different context not pertaining to Alan or Autism. But here we are weeks later and it is still on my mind nonstop. I think because we had a situation at the park with Alan and it still isn't sitting well with me.

We were out to dinner for my birthday with my parents and Alan started coughing out of control. He could not stop, there was no relief in sight. It was an attack out of nowhere and it wouldn't stop. Al ended up taking him home and we stayed to finish the birthday dinner. It ended up being an allergic reactioin to the air freshener that was used in the restaurant. It was overwhlemingly strong and his body couldn't handle it. When we got back home, Al and Alan were gone. I called him and he proceeded to tell me that Alley requested to go to the park on his bike appropriately through his AAC, so Al took him. It was nice out so I was glad he was feeling better enough to want to go hang out at the park.

They were there for a little while when my phone dingged. It was Al sending me a picture of Alan at the park with the caption "There are a bunch of kids here and he seems interested in them. But the girls got scared cause he is verbally stimming so they ran away. Ben (Vinnys friend) is here and he knows them." It was heartbreaking to say the least because he followed it up with the picture of Alley sitting on the swing, really focused on something. The caption to that text followed as "Staring in their direction." My mama heart shattered, again. What is he thinking? What is he feeling? Does he know those girls seemed scared and ran away because of his vocal stims? Ugh, tears, hurt, pain, fear all rush through me. And I just wanted reach through that phone, wrap my arms aound him and squeeze the pain I see in his eyes out of him. He is near, but far still and he tried this time. Tears, again. I know these situations are going to conintue to happen as he gets older, bigger and louder. I get it. He is different, he is loud but he is so worthy of a beautiful typical life and I will do everything in my power to continue to give him that.

Here is the thing, and I am going to say this with the most hope in my heart and prayers in my hands, he IS emerging. We ARE on the right track with him this time. The regimine we are on, he is showing us bits and pieces of what he has in there, and IT IS SO EXCITING. However, what comes with this new emerging stage is also new and more emotions he is feeling. He is connecting more with the outside world and picking up on things he did not before. It is a blessing and a curse especially in situations like this with those girls. Did he hear them? Does he know they ran away because of him? Is his heart broken like mine? I truly hope that if he did realize what was happening, that he does not care one bit, but again that is just my hope and I can't know for certain. This is one of the ugliest parts of Autism, navigating other peopels emotions and feelings about your child, and it doesn't seem to get any easier, I just get better at ignoring it or calling it out when I see it.

I know in my heart we are onto something here with Alan. His face looks different, his eyes look different and his actions are begining to be different. When your son cannot speak with his mouth, he speaks with his eyes and I feel it in my soul that he is different. We aren't anywhere near the full dose of what we started, that is still a month or two away, but in my heart it cannot get here fast enough. However I also know we have to go slow with it. In the end I am excited, thrilled and hopeful. But it is hard to watch him navigate these new feelings he is having, and understanding how to cope with these new situations.

We are getting there, I know we are. And this is where that saying comes back in, he IS near but far, still.

With Grace,

This Autism Mama