My Heavy Mama Heart

I know it has been a long time since I wrote. We have had so many things going on that my blog has had to take a back seat, and honestly I have felt so heavy and a mama guilt overload, probably due to not writing as much anymore. So here I am, unloading on a website, hoping that it not only helps my heart but helps someone else's as well.

About three weeks ago, I gave birth to our fourth child, Ricki. She is a total blessing from above, this I am absolutely convinced of. This little baby has brought so much love, light, peace and calmess (along with even more chaos) to our family just by being here. But man oh man, is my Mama heart heavy. I have no idea how it could be so filled to the brim with love and at the same time be extremely heavy. But it is all because of my Alan. It started when we brought her home. We thought we prepared him for what was happening, we had multiple social stories about him being a big brother, we had talks with him about it, we showed him her room, her swing and all her belongings. I was so excited to bring her home, thinking he would really take to her. He was prepared, he was ready, he was going to be a big brother again! Not the case, he actually really could care less we brought her home. My other two boys were completely different with her. Vinny, he is just the best brother all around, big or little. He loves unconditionally, he protects and he is our rock. Joey, well Joey is Joey, our chaotic one. He does everything very very hard including love. He loves hard, with everything he has, in his own way. And then we have Alan, who is in HIS world. In my heart I know he will warm up to her, and it will be on his terms because lets be real, we live on his terms. We won't force the relationship either, our family will let it happen how it is supposed to happen and believe me, I am okay with that.

Here is where the heaviness kicks in for me, I have not spent enough time with Alley. There is not enough time in the day to do all the things I know I need to do with him while having a newborn baby. I know I haven't conversed with him enough like we usually do, sit on the couch and talk with his talker, just physically be present for him to lay by, nuzzle, kiss or squeeze. To give him whatever he needs in that moment, I know I have not been enough for him and it kills me. I can see it on his face when he looks at me, I can read him like a book, and only in those moments when we make that fleeting eye contact does it dawn on me, I have not been enough for him. I miss him and it physically hurts to know that I have let him down in the past couple weeks. Yes, he has his brothers, yes he has the best Dad in the world, but there's just something about that connection that we have where I know in my heart, I have let him down these last couple weeks.

So as if navigating life as a family of six hasn't been an adjustment enough in these first couple weeks, Alan got sick on his way to school last week. Again, ripping my heart to shreds. He was absolutely fine before he left, no usual indicators of getting sick, nothing. He got very very very sick as the days progressed. We really thought it was some sort of viral infection based on his symptoms. But he was not getting any better and it was day five of this illness. We took him to immediate care over the weekend and we were so wrong, bacterial infection for Strep. Parents of the year over here (not)! And while he has been sick I have really had to distance myself from him which has been even more painful. He looked so sick, so gray, eyes completely sunken, lethargic, dehydrated at some points, and all I wanted to do was curl him up like my big baby he is and not let him go. We decided that it was best for my husband to handle Alan and I would handle the baby while he was sick so didn't pass this infection along to her. I tried to be by him as much as I could, washing my hands every five seconds, sanitizing after washing, my hands are so dry from it all that they're practically ripping apart. But my Mama heart, could not feel any more heavy then it currently does, and I know again that I let him down by not being able to physically be there for him when he needed me as much as I would have liked to be.

Thankfully he is on the mend and doing better today. I was able to sit with him yesterday, and man did his face say it all. He looked so calm and content to be back on my shoulder, it was like he knew he had his safe space back. I know in time, he will warm up to his sister and I know sicknesses come and go, but this is where the nonverbal absolutely kills me. I just wish I could know what he is thinking and feeling at any given moment. My heart feels a little lighter now, and I know as we get into routines and the groove of this new life it will lighten the load even more.

With Grace-

This Autism Mama