It’s Never Ending

The rollercoaster we call Autism... it's never ever ending. Day to day up and down, getting thrown for loop after loop, it just feels like the never ending ride.

I have not written in a while about Alley. Honestly, life has just gotten in the way. Being almost halfway through my pregnancy with our baby girl, starting basketball season again, being gone most evenings, I just haven't had it in me. Not because I don't love writing about our journey and what we go through, but because I emotionally just didn't have it. And I had to realize that's okay. I needed some time. I needed to let my feelings happen without suppressing them and finding the silver lining in everything he does. Sometimes, I just don't have it in me.

The roller coaster that I am currently on is the future. His future, our future, what does that look like? Maybe it's the hormones, or thinking about starting over with another beautiful soul we get to bring into this world. And there it starts, the feelings of excitement and joy, going up the start of the roller coaster. Creeping creeping creeping slowly up to the top, and then bam, here we go, heading down the big drop. How is the baby going to affect Alan? Will he love her? Does he even realize we are bringing another sibling into his life? Then I go deeper and deeper down the big drop where I cannot seem to get myself out of my own head. When she is Alan's age, he will be sixteen, oh my god Alan is going to be sixteen. What will that look like? Will he be able to speak by then? Will he be happy? Will he have friends? The physical pain I feel push on my chest, like a boulder, gets to be unbearable at times. I literally have had to actively yell at myself to stop! It's a brutal ride to be on.

I've been told over and over this journey is filled with highs and lows, peaks and valleys, and it will forevr be that way. Once we think we get in a groove with him, something happens to change where we are at, a sickness, a bad day at school, a bad day at home, something triggers him in public, it all changes in an instant and sometimes we are back at the start of the roller coaster getting back into the cars and buckling up. It just never ends, and I know it never will, but the thought of that is daunting.

So if you're on the same roller coaster, just know you're not alone. This ride is hard, it's exhausting, it's draining, and it's ever changing. But any part of the roller coaster you are on, you we are all on the same ride you.

With Grace-

This Autsim Mama