It IS Heavy....

Autism. Parenthood. Parenthood with a Special Needs child. It is ALL heavy. Even when the day is

perfect (which let's be honest those days are few and far between on this journey) it is all just still so heavy. That is the only word that I can use to describe the anxiousness that lurks behind every second of every day never knowing what is going to be a great day from the worst day. Yes, I know this is all parents anxious, worrying, I get it. But for parents of children with Autism or children with Special Needs, it holds so much more weight behind those feelings. There is so much more at stake behind every single decision. What food to cook, how to serve it, will he eat it? If he doesn't eat it what is my second meal and my third meal that I will be cooking for him. I need options, all the damn time there has to be options. Never ending options. Sure the nonverbal part of our journey has a lot to do with my anxiousness but I am sure all of us feel what I feel.

As Alley's mom there was a ton I needed to learn and still am learning. This journey is forever changing and that means I as a parent and his mom need to be forever changing with him. As a retired Special Education Teacher you would think I would have this tool box of miracle working items for my son. But in all reality it was the opposite because it was MY son. Some days I feel so clueless and lost that it looks like I have never heard the word Autism before. There was one thing in particular I absolutely needed to learn, needed to accept and needed to live it. I talk about this past tense because it was NOT on my radar two years ago, a year ago, heck even seven months ago. Post diagnosis, I wanted Alan to fit into the "typical child with Autism" where the "typical' treatment plan (Early Intervention, Speech, OT and ABA) would essentially cure my son. Don't get me wrong, I know there is no cure but I was hopeful that all of those individual aspects would help him find his voice, and it hasn't. Again, he has been blessed with two of the best therapists that any mother could ask for, but it's just him and who he is. I had to accept that and run with it. He will not have a miraculous therapy session and come out saying " Hi Mom, how was your day while I was at therapy?" It was something that I was clinging onto for dear life, for me not him, that I had to let go of.

There is something to be said for that old saying about how you don't choose your path, the path chooses you. Once we were on this journey, I had in my head of how it would go. I had already switched my vision of parenthood to parenthood with Autism but man was I going to control OUR journey with Autism, or so I thought. Our life with Alley so far has been challenging to say the least and everything we were told to try and do with him has never worked out in our favor. He has made progress which is wonderful, and I am a huge advocate of all the therapies to try. But again, every child is different and what works for one or some might not work as well on someone else. I needed to let go of where Alley is "supposed" to be as a 6 yer old nonverbal child with Autism. The truth is Alley is right where he needs to be in this moment. Do I wish a million times over he could speak? YES! Do I wish he was potty trained at this point in his life? YES Do I have a thousand and one other wishes for Alley at the current moment? YES. But it doesn't matter what I think or "how" I think this journey will go or is supposed to go. This is our story. This is his story and no mater what we think or anyone else's things, its going to go how its supposed to go. Things will happen when they are supposed to happen and how they are supposed to happen. No amount of therapy will change the outcome of our journey. It'll assist and help in many ways, but will it change what is supposed to happen in our story? My believe is no. A hard no.

Once I started believing this way, things changed here. Alley is ultra sensitive and can feel everyone's energy around him. He can read me like a book without even saying a word. So when I was on this path to change the course of our journey, his journey, you better believe it when I say he felt that. We were on the wrong path, same journey, and he knew that. Us as his parents just had to see it for ourselves which we are still figuring out as we go. Be open not just with your mind but your eyes, ears and heart. Alley doesn't need every therapy under the sun to get him to connect with us, he needs love, patience and a whole lot of grace. When you open up yourself, in every single way, the journey seems a little....... lighter.

With grace,

This Autism Mama