If I Could Go Back...

This picture popped up today, it was taken ten years ago. My heart fell to my feet. It surprised me that it hurt me to see. I just wanted to reach into that picture and squeeze that first time Mama so tightly because she was embarking on a journey that she could never fathom at that point in her life. So instead of doing that I am going to write this, an 'if I could go back in time' list that she would read.

Hey you, first and foremost, keep that head held high. Never be ashamed, embarrassed or feel uncomfortable with Alan in any situation. He is trying, you are trying and that is always enough.

You don’t have to have all the answers right now. But with time, and an open mind you will find your groove. Trust the process and go all in.

Stop comparing your child to everyone else’s. It is hard not to have feelings of jealousy or envy when it comes to milestones, athletic achievements, academic achievements or even social settings. They are not your child and your child is not them. He will achieve his own success on his time. (You will realize everything is on his time) :)

The milestones may look different—but different doesn’t mean less. A milestone is a milestone no matter how big or small, its something to celebrate!

You will have days where you cry, probably more often than not you will have tears in your eyes at any moment. You can't help it, they will come and don't fight them.

You will have days where you question everything. Every decision, every meal, every snack, every outing and you will beat yourself up when it doesn't go as planned. Just know that whatever decision you made in that moment, was the right one.

You will have days where you realize just how far you’ve both come. Those are the days and the moments you need to remember. Make an active memory of when you think to yourself, "Wow I can't believe we just did that" because those will get you through the tougher days.

Trust your gut, always. Your gut will never steer you wrong.

Ask all the questions. Every child is so different so what worked for one, might not work for yours and THAT IS OKAY.

Find the people who understand you, your child and your family dynamic. Keep that circle small. Nobody's opinon matters except those you choose to let matter.

Celebrate the tiny victories that no one else sees. This journey is about peaks, valleys and plateaus. Some people fail to understand that it is not linear all the way to the top. One week he will be doing fantastic at all the skills you've been working on, he will be super regulated and easy to navigate. The next might be a dumpster fire where everything he gained is nowhere to be found, and you can't look at him without a meltdown. Lean on your people, ask for help, take a break when needed and give yourself and him a ton of grace to get through it. Because you will get through it and reach that next peak.

And most importantly…he doesn’t need a perfect mom. He needs YOU, exactly the way you are. One day, you’ll look back and realize you were stronger than you ever knew. Hang in there mama, the roads are bumpy and the journey maybe different than you imagined. But there is SO much beauty waiting for you along the way.

With grace,

This Autism Mama