I Used To Think…

When we were growing up, we lived at basketball courts, baseball fields, softball fields and soccer fields. Our family was always on the go, running from one sporting event to the next. My Dad started his own travel basketball organization, so time off was never an option for our family as a whole. Our sporting teams families became our family. We spent so much time having our lives revolve around sports that those are most of my memories from childhood, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Growing up this type of way greatly impacted my views on how my parenthood would be or what I thought parenthood should be. Alley changed these views quite a bit. Organized sports are not on our radar currently with him. Just not in the cards. This was something that we had to come to terms with and I'm not going to lie it broke my heart, still does. Before Autism, I just assumed all my boys would be in sports from the moment they could walk. My husband and I were both athletes, I still coach basketball at a local high school, we are a sports orientated family. Autism changed that, just like it has changed all of us.

Our two other boys are fully involved in sports. We love it. It brings a sense of calm and peace to me mentally. Rewind to the beginning of this year, it was anything but calming and peaceful. We couldn't physically bring Alan to any sporting event of his brothers. We would try and try and try. Time after time something would happen, he would end up on the floor in full blown meltdown mode. We knew we couldn't keep doing this to Alley or to his brothers. I hated making this decision but it had to be done. We would split the family. One of us would stay back with Alan and the other parent would take Joey and Vinny to the sporting event. This hurt, it stung. It made me feel that we were going backwards, and we definitely were. It's a big hard pill to swallow, to give in and to some "take the east way out". But in our eyes it wasn't fair to his brothers who were in the event but we couldn't watch them play or cheer them on because we would be working through something with Alley. And honestly it wasn't fair to Alley, either. Putting him in a uncomfortable situation, the whistles, the buzzers, the clapping, so many things he would have to process in order to just get through it. Not enjoy it, just get through it.

So that is what we would do, split up and keep him out of those environments the best we could. Eventually when we started the new holistic path for him things started to change. He was more settled, more comfortable in his own skin and being around all of those situations that should be fun for a six year old boy. When we go to Vinny's football games (that's the season we are in currently) I often look around at all the other families. How lucky those parents are to just show up, plant their chair in the grass and enjoy their child on the field. Be there to support them and give their undivided attention to the child on the field. I know that is not us, we do not have the luxury. Maybe one day we will, but until then we will continue to work with Alan to be able to attend these functions. Recently he received a new tablet for a birthday gift. He wouldn't tolerate headphones before so we never would bring his electronics because he couldn't listen and then would just become more frustrated (insert meltdown here).

Honestly there was a time, before kids of course, when I would judge parents that gave their kids electronics in a public place. It's just not the way we were raised, with them as an option. At meals we would sit as a family and be present with one another, and I'm so glad we were raised that way. But I also need to understand that the way Alan is growing up is very different then my siblings and I. I realized that he NEEDS that device in super stressful situations. He needs to be in his own world sometimes because ours could be way too overwhelming for him. He needs to sit there and be enthralled with Little Einstein's, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Super Why to get his mind off what he can't seem to process correctly. So now, man have my views changed. If he needs it, he gets it. I don't care what people think, we can read him like

a book and know when it's time for him to leave our world and go into his. His world where it is predictable, his world where he feels safe and his world where he feels secure. We all go to sporting events now, together. But that tablet and headphones are also part of our family now too.

Do what works for you, when it works for you.

With grace,

This Autism Mama