Envy... is the worst

Being envious is not the greatest trait in a person, and I hate that I have it. It is not something I feel all the time, but I do feel it more times then I'd like to admit. To me it's an ugly trait that I have but I also know that it is natural for what we are living daily. Today, envy hit me like a truck right there on my treadmill at 6:15 in the morning and I know if I don't write about it, it'll fester within me.

The day started out pretty normal, woke up at 5:15 to get out the door and on my way to my workout class. I was enjoying my "me time" which is something that is very rare for me. I obsess over my quiet early drives to the studio when the kids are all safe and sleeping, it is my time to breathe. It was a smaller class today with only about six or seven people which it usually is more than that. My two friends that I take classes with were both not there so I knew it was me and my head for the next hour talking through my thoughts. Hopped on and started to run when these two women jumped on the treadmills next to me. I have seen them before but they usually work on the treadmills on the other side of the row. I was kind of excited maybe to start talking to them, introducing myself, making small talk to have the time on the treadmill pass us by quicker, but that didn't happen. They clearly were friends outside of the studio, which is great for them, but they dove right into conversations that I had no clue about and I wasn't about to inject myself into what they were talking about.

As our run went on I zoned in and out of what they were saying. We are super close to each other so as much as I tried to not listen to their conversation, it was extremely hard not to. The women then started chatting about their weekend plans, going here and there, missing an event because theyr're too busy with their kids' activities, the whole bit. At one point the conversation went to their kids scheudles starting today and going into the weekend. They talked about their baseball tournament, a softball tournament, a friends outing with parents and an Orthodontist appoinment in which her son is begging her to get braces. I listened, I ran, I listened some more and when I let my guard down, envy crept in. I was so envious of these two women and their lives. I listened to how they can go to 3 or 4 games of their kids in a single day and not have to worry about a child like my Alan. How so many things and thoughts go into having him prepared for just one game, let alone multiple.

I listened to how after their games, they might hang out with the other families from the team. They are thinking about where to go to dinner as a team and how their biggest worry is what kind of food they will have at the concessions for the siblings of the players. I listened to how the other woman was saying that she has a babysitter for the siblings so they don't have to wake up early for the games this weekend and she can pick them up for the later games. A babysitter? Never heard of one. She just called up a person who according to her she has multiple babysitters on her list, and they can just pop on by, watch the kids and then head out? Is it truly THAT easy for some people? Gosh, the things they probably take for granted. I could never leave Alan with a random babysitter, ever. More thoughts, more envy.

They kept going the whole run, about 25 minutes of running to be exact. The envy that was dripping from my sweat was almost visable to me. I hate that I feel this way, I actually despise it and myself for letting it get the best of me this morning. I just wish it was that easy for us, for Alan. I just wish we could do all the things these other families are able to do without a second thought. But it's just not what we were dealt. Everything we do takes a second thought, a third thought and heck probaly a fourth, fifth and sixth thought to make sure we have everything covered. I know other families who are not on our Autism journey have the capability of doing these types of weekends, I knew this. But it is some kind of realiztion to hear it first hand, and how carefree they were about their plans with their families. It hurt and again came out of nowhere. I hate that.

Do not get me wrong, there are so many beautiful and proud moments we have of Alan and our family together and I replay them over and over in my head like a Rolodex of postitive moments. But I am going to be hoenst as say how many times can I replay the same positives over and over before I wish for new ones? Bigger ones? Different ones? Well I am starting to.

He did text me from his Ipad yesterday, in response to a Minnie Mouse GIF I sent him and he told me to "Minnie, Relax" which was a win. First time for everything, he told me to relax. I'll take it, envy and all.

With grace,

This Autism Mama