Does He Miss Me?

These fears that creep up in me when I'm least expecting it, always send me down a rabbit hole if "what if's"? It is such a debilitating feeling that I have a hard time coming out of most days.

Mom (me) took a break this weekend. My husband planned a trip for myself, my sister and two of my closest friends. Girls Trip! The last one I went on was two years ago, and it was time. Let me tell you, every Mom or caretaker need a break. Doesn't matter if it's for ten days or one hour, breaks for us are essential for survival. Any way, I am in Florida enjoying all the beautiful sun and a thought hit me like a semi truck. Literally, it felt so blindsiding and out of nowhere, "Does Alan even miss me?" Then it kept going, does he EVER miss me? I am not sure I could ever know for certainty without him being able to use words. It's easy for Vinny and Joey to tell me they miss me. It's obvious when they run to the FaceTime to see me and follow that with "I miss you Mom!" Man, what I would give to hear those words from my Alley. One day..... one day..... I knew at this point I could wonder about what goes on inside of his head for days. It consumes me, he consumes me. I needed to snap myself out of it at this point. Here I am with my favorite people in the world, enjoying the most beautiful place and I feel this heavy heavy weight on my chest beginning. I start panicking and stop myself. I start thinking, Yes! Of course he misses me! I know this in my heart. But the doubt, the worry and the fear always finds a way to consume me. It's natural, to worry about the what if's but it's also scary. What if all the fears are actual truths? That would break me in half physically and mentally.

Just when I needed it most, an email came through from Alley's teacher. I am sure she helped with this and facilitated the actions but it melted me into pieces. It's like someone upstairs heard me diving down into this hole that eats at my soul and knew I needed saving from myself in that moment. Someone knew that I wasn't going to be able to pull myself out of it becasue all I have on vacation is time. Time to think think think, which is never good when I have too much time on my hands. I'm usually in a thought and before I can even finish it at home, one of the boys needs something and snaps me out of it. That wasn't happening here until I received that email. .....I guess he does miss me. (Read the phrase on his talker)

With Grace-

This Autism Mama